Fear

I remember about five years ago, my roommates in college and I had a discussion about fear. It was late at night, and we were all lying on the beds, with all lights in the room off. We talked about various kinds of monsters, and we discovered that the most frightening moment is not when the monster appears, but when it is approaching with deafening footsteps and big shadows on the walls. We reason that the fear when the monster appears is just a fear of death; but the fear when the monster is approaching is combination of a fear of death and a fear of uncertainty.

Though I did not have a chance to experience the fear of death, I certainly had experienced the fear of uncertainty, the uncertainty of future. It seems strange that the most exciting thing, the future, can at the same time be the most frightening thing, especially when I take the whole responsibility of steering it. Near the end of college years, I fear the most that I won't be able to study abroad. And the resulting worry and anxiety almost consumed me. I tried all kinds of motivation, rational and irrational. And thanks to the help from friends and family, and also a number of self-help books including How to Stop worrying and Start Living, 8 Weeks to Optimum Health, Emotional Intelligence and several books on Chinese herb medicine, I am now in a condition much better than three years ago.

Looking back, I used to wish none of this happened. But now I am so glad that I have experienced it and have found my way out of it.

Today, when I looked at the application form for NSERC Vanier Scholarship, and then looked at my publication record, which is still zero(!), I experienced the similar feeling as three years ago.

What exactly drives you?

"The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. "
-- Nelson Mandela

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